What happened? It wasn’t writer’s block. It was…well, I’m not sure what it was. Things were going so well. I’d started attending a writers’ group regularly, started making friends there, was excited about writing, had finished several short stories and gotten good feedback on them. I’d even entered one in Writer’s of the Future. Over a thousand words a day poured from my fingertips. My fun and silly vampire novel had taken a serious turn, but I went with it and the story became so much richer — and the first draft was done!

Then I decided, as an exercise, to try memoir.

Big mistake.

You see, I’d had some bad stuff happen to me when I was in my early twenties. Compared to the things other people have been through, it was nothing, but I (apparently) haven’t been able to process and get over it. So, I had a lot to write about and…I wrote it all down. Then I stopped writing. I stopped going to the writers’ group. I stopped reading about writing. That incredible urge to put ideas on paper simply…stopped.

All the unpleasantness I’d cordoned off in the vaults of buried memory came back to life. The panic attacks started again, the sleeping problems. It didn’t help that at around the same time my job changed and, to put it tactfully, was no longer a good fit. And at the same time my elderly mother faced a health crisis (she made it through, thankfully).

The act of writing, writing anything, became something that I no longer had any interest in whatsoever.

All through Spring and Summer my writing stuff gathered dust. Then in the Fall, I remembered Nanowrimo, and began to think about writing again. It was too soon for me to be able to write that much, but it got me thinking and wondering what the hell happened.

My guess is that somewhere in the underbelly of my brain writing came to equal pain, and my subconscious protected me by turning off the need to write. The need came back–of course, it came back–writing is a part of me. It’s still not all the way back, but for the first time in over a year, writing a new blog post not only seemed like a good idea, but was fun.

Reasons:

• fear of the work it will take
• fear of failure
• fear of being too good (if you’ve ever had people put you down for doing well, you’ll understand this one; tall poppy syndrome)

Excuses:

• I need more/better tools before I can start
• I need better skills before I can start
• I need more time
• I’m too old to start now

One of my big issues is that I constantly think I need a tool or technique to make the writing process easier or more effective, some special thing I don’t have that will guarantee success. An earlier post was about the urge to look for writing software. It’s a compelling urge, but do I need such a tool? Of course not. People wrote excellent books when all they had to write with were ink and parchment.

Lately my obsession with books about writing has expanded to DVDs. I just purchased two DVDs for about $35 each from which I hope to get lots of information and motivation. I listen to ten different podcasts about writing on my iPod. I read blogs on my laptop—and those along with the podcasts are made available to me through the DSL line that brings the Internet into my home. I have not one, but two laptops, a printer, probably fifty books on writing (25% of which are in the to-read pile), My writer’s notebook is from Spain (Miquelrius), my pens from Indonesia (Zebra F-301, blue fine point).

Do I need all of this before I can write? Before I can put together a good story? I think the answer is: no, I do not. What I need to do is write. And read good books. All this fluff and worry is a distraction my subconscious has cleverly thrown up to prevent me from having my feelings hurt. What I need to do is get on with it. As Nike says, “Just do it.”  but an even better quote is from Teddy Roosevelt:

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”

To succeed you need to write, you need to move forward, pen across the page, words across the screen. Don’t spend another second waiting for a better situation, for more time, for less distractions–there’s always going to be something. Do what you can, right now–whether it’s a writing exercise, putting down a line you heard on the bus, an idea for a story, or a revision of something you’ve already written. Do it, write it down, make the change. You only have now to do it. Use what’s at hand and GO!

I wrote 6,000 words today and won Nanowrimo with 50,116 words. In those dark days a week ago when I was so sick I wanted to die, I never imagined that I’d be able to recover and snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. I know that’s cliche, I just don’t care! Too happy!

I’m not nearly done with the story, and my hero hasn’t made it to safety (and I’m not even sure that he will), but now I can go back to writing a sane and pedestrian 1,000 words per day.

Good luck to all you other Nanowrimos out there who think you won’t be able to make it. Take heart, if I could do it, so can you!

The folks who aren’t on cell phones are trying to read or work on their laptops. Most of these people, including me, are annoyed at the cell phone yakkers. If they all talked at the same time and got it over with, it would be one thing. But no, it seems to be a tag-team effort. One person gets done, and another one makes a call. One woman is on her fourth call. Another has made only one call, but was very loud. She was quizzing the person on the other end of the line about an evening class. Then there’s the guy who has been talking nonstop since before I arrived. He’s making no attempt to contain his conversation, broadcasting it to the whole room. He is talking so constantly I wonder whether there is actually someone on the other end of the line, or if maybe he’s talking large to a turned-off phone so that the other customers will think he is the top banana of something or other. Though why it should matter is beyond me. We are not movers and shakers here. In fact, to be hanging out in a coffee shop at this time on a Wednesday hints at unemployment or a break between classes. (I am waiting for a friend to be done with a doctor appointment, after which I will drive him home.)

The loud woman’s conversation was so banal, I refuse to reconstruct it. On her fifth phone call, the first woman’s conversation goes something like this:

Yes.
Yes.
Having coffee.
A skim latte.
No one.
No.
I’m not here with anybody.
No.
I don’t-
But it’s-
…
Yes.
Yes.
I love you.
I. Love. You.
How many times do I have to say it?
Yes.
Fine.
I’ll be home later.

There was more, it seemed to go on forever, but it was all in the same vein and I feel I have fairly represented it here.

Hmmm, now that I’ve re-read it, maybe half a conversation can be better than a whole one, for an eavesdropping writer.

One of my biggest problems during Nanowrimo (and I know I’m not alone in this) is silencing the Inner Editor and getting out of my own way in order to get the words down.  When I’ve been able to do this successfully, not only have I hit my word goals, I’ve written interesting and surprising stuff. You never truly know what your characters are going to do until they do it. As I write this, I realize this should be a disturbing thought–something coming out of my head that I have no control over–but it’s not. It’s an exciting, delicious adventure. And I can’t wait for November 1st!

Since my Inner Editor is a stubborn and resilient thing, in order to silence my it, I must take several actions. First, as Chris Baty advises in No Plot? No Problem!, I send it to the Inner Editor Kennel. When it escapes and returns, I lock it in a closet. Then, when I can no longer stand its pleas for release, I stake it for the soul-killing monster it is, and picture it going ‘poof’ like a vampire in the Buffyverse (it closely resembles the Master anyway). The final step in defeating my Inner Editor is taking out my secret weapon, an artifact of great power.

This will be the second year in a row I use an artifact which I had custom-made for the low, low price of $40 (Limoges Jewelry): it is a Ring Of Power, as capable of wonders as anything Tolkien could dream up. The thin silver band bears magical symbols which appear thus:

It’s Okay to Write Crap

I even keep it in a special box. Placed on a finger, it enables the wearer to write and keep writing without the urge to stop and go back to fix something. It removes all worries and hesitation about the next words to be put down. The words flow out in a mystical, unstoppable, silvery stream. Seriously.

And though the words produced may indeed be crap, are often contradictory or nonsensical, they are words and they count. During Nanowrimo that’s all that matters. It is only once you get the garbage words out of the way that the real gems start to appear.  Because not only is it okay to write crap on that first draft, it’s necessary.
________
Note: I highly recommend Chris Baty’s book, No Plot? No Problem! It helped me all three years I succeeded in writing 50,000 words in 30 days.

First impressions:

• Liquid Story - Confusing. The interface, though gorgeous, isn’t intuitive. It is highly configurable, with an almost ridiculous number of tools. However, it’s not easy to use (at least for me, it didn’t do what I expected it to, and the pdf manual did not provide enough detailed help. Yes, sometimes people need step-by-step instructions, with pictures.) An added danger for this program is that you can make it gorgeous, which takes time away from writing. Note: The free trial period is 30 days, and allows full use of the product.
• PageFour – Clean, simple interface. Easy to use. Seems to lack the output options other packages have. For pure writing, though, this makes organizing chapters and going back and forth between documents in a project fast and easy. The free trial period is forever, but you are limited to 3 projects (called ‘notebooks’), and 20 files (called ‘pages’) within each project.

What do I actually use?

• yWriter - A free novel writing app by Simon Haynes (although, if you use it, you really should send the guy some cash) which does everything I need such a program to do, and then some, and the developer is always improving it.
• FreeMind - Mind mapping software. Used to create diagrams of linked ideas and can also be used for outlining. Mind maps can be exported to a variety of formats, including OpenOffice Writer.
• OpenOffice Writer – Word Processing
• Q10 – Takes over the whole screen. All you can do is type. Has a variety of sound effects, configurable screen colors, and you can set up timed sessions. Great for getting the words down without distractions.

So, while I do make occasional forays into different novel-writing software–it’s good to try something new once in a while–this is the system that works for me.

Looking at various novel-writing applications is a good reminder that no software program will ever make novel writing easy. Novel writing is a long, sometimes difficult process. You have to find a tool you like and move relentlessly forward.

Two hours passed before I remembered to investigate the spot. It was, indeed, a brown, dried spot of something. But I knew neither of the dogs had been on those stairs the night before. Hmmm. And so, I performed the sniff test. I leaned my head down, closer and closer, and smelled…chocolate. It was spilled mochas from the coffee run he had made the night before.

I sent this to his work email:

Oh, brown spot,
on the stairs I spy.
Your earth-tone blot
offends my eye.

So strange and stiff.
To ID assuredly
I lean and sniff
extremely hurriedly.

This dried-up goo
on which I focus:
it is not poo,
it’s only mochas.

Recently, however, I started writing short stories, and I have learned an amazing amount about structure, pacing, word choice, character arcs, how to organize, finding the theme. Learning all this is much easier on a smaller scale, with simpler story-lines and less material to juggle. The whole process can be completed within a few days or a couple of weeks—a much shorter timeframe than a novel. I get a sense of accomplishment. I can see that I’m making progress. I can see what I’ve learned. And, best of all, I’m producing real material that I can send out.

This wasn’t happening with my novels. I don’t know if this knowledge will help me complete a cohesive novel, but I think it will. I’m sure going to try.

Here is the book that has helped me the most:

Creating Short Fiction: The Classic Guide to Writing Short Fiction
by Damon Knight

And who doesn’t want to be a hero? Guess what–you already are. You are the hero of your own life’s journey–the protagonist– whether you are a lion or a milquetoast. If you don’t know what you want, then you’re a boring hero who wanders around the stage and never gets anywhere. But if you do know what you want, then you have a goal, a direction, a quest. If you work toward your goal, you are an exciting hero, who gets consistently closer to their goal. It helps to think of yourself as Jason Bourne–dangerous and unpredictable.

Only you can decide what is quest-worthy in your own life. Maybe your parents wanted you to be a doctor, a lawyer, a machinist, or a baby factory. (Parents=villains.) But if it isn’t what you want, you’ll only be going through the motions. Maybe you’ll achieve wonderful things but meanwhile, your other quest, the one that has nothing to do with what other people want, is wailing away in a corner of your brain. If that other quest is the imperative to write, then you are like me. And your need to write won’t shut up until you rescue the poor thing and ride off with it.

Contrary to what television teaches us, it takes time to achieve a quest. In the case of writing, learning to do it well is reported to take years, decades even. (Learning required=obstacle.) I’m certainly not there yet, maybe I’ll never be a great writer, but I am getting better. And not just better at writing. The pursuit of a worthy goal changes you, in good ways. In some stories the hero never reaches the goal, but we learn this is okay, if they have tried their best and not quit trying, they become better people in the process. They make themselves noble.

It certainly requires a sort of nobility, to keep up a quest while constantly facing down dangerous beasts: self-doubt, critics, ‘helpful’ friends who don’t want us wasting our time, parents who can’t imagine that writing could lead to a successful life. In the face of these things even succeeding in little ways can be a victory: carving out a few minutes here and there to write, splurging on a class, rubbing elbows with other writers in an on-line forum.

And all those people who wanted you to do something else, who made fun of you, criticized and belittled you? To heck with ‘em. Teddy Roosevelt said it best:

“It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at the worst, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

Only you can be the hero of your own quest. Own it. You make yourself noble simply by trying.

Since getting hooked, I have learned that if a strategy doesn’t work, one must formulate a new strategy. Up until quite recently, my strategy for ‘Become A Successful Novelist’ has been this: hide under a rock, wait for discovery, and sit back to enjoy the ensuing fame and fortune (a.k.a. the ‘Silver Platter’ strategy). So far, no luck.

This blog will chronicle my journey from under my rock to success as a published author and whatever comes after that. Or, possibly, until a new strategy becomes necessary.

Notes:

• Digressions: There will be many digressions. I can find almost anything fascinating, at least for a while, and while thus enraptured cannot shut up about it.
• Frequency: At least one blog post per week, possibly more. I promise. (Oh shit. That’s in writing. Now I’ve got to do it.)